


Even In This Lifetime

by eauline



Category: Black Widow (Movie 2020), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, F/M, Hurts So Good, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers Feels
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:34:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23561662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eauline/pseuds/eauline
Summary: Natalia Alianovna Romanova, a Red Room assassin, is hired to kill the glorious Captain America before he changes the world in all his star, spangled glory. However, as she gets closer and closer to her target, she begins to fall harder and harder for the man who is actually her husband, whose hoping she'll choose him even in this lifetime.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov
Comments: 30
Kudos: 153





	1. Without A Place In The World

**Author's Note:**

> It is important to note that this sequel to In Every Lifetime, I'd Choose You is extremely dark and for mature readers only. 
> 
> Natasha, well Natalia, goes through some awful events, and this book divulges into them, ranging from suicide, self-harm, rape, violence, and murder. Do not read this book if you are triggered by any of these themes. They are described very graphically. 
> 
> However, there will be plenty of smut and fluff scattered throughout the chapters, and I promise you will come to love both Steve and Natalia more than you already do!

Natalia never reveled in the cold, which was ironic because she grew up in the harsh tundras of Russia. The winter wind chilled her to her bones, the frigid air piercing her lungs with every sharp breath she took. The snow fell around her in large flakes, crunching under her boots as she walked to her apartment a few blocks away from the Red Room Training Headquarters in the middle of the city dusted with snow. The cold admonished remembrance of her childhood that she wasn't as fond about as her other memories. She could still vividly see the nights she spent on the streets as snowflakes fell from the sky, the mornings she stole bread from the local baker, and the long, grueling afternoons of training at the Red Room.

She was grateful that part of her life was over, and she knew if she continued training and completing missions the way she had been, she would _finally_ be graduating from the Red Room in four months. It didn't mean freedom; she still had to serve her country as the assassin she was devised to be but after graduation, she would attain more control of her life - something she yearned for yet had so little of.

Her verdant eyes were heavy with exhaustion, and her ankle twisted painfully with every short step she took as she walked to her apartment. It was more with vexation, however. She'd learned to savor the pain because it was one of the only things that still made her feel alive, that reminded her that she was _human_ and not a mere weapon for the KGB to utilize.

She kept her head down as she walked along the sidewalk, her hood pulled over her long, scarlet tresses and her pale hands stuffed in her thick, coat pockets. She avoided eye contact with those she passed and huffed a breath of vexation as someone crossed the sidewalk in front of her. In her short, twenty-one years of life, she had learned a lot. She'd come to understand that there were malevolent people in the world - one being her and the KGB organization who 'liberated' homeless children, just like she had been, from the streets. The other was that love was for children and _couldn't_ exist in a world as cruel as hers. Lastly, she had learned that Russians were some of the most intrusive people she had ever met.

Her contemplation was quickly hindered as someone opened a door she was walking past and slammed into her. It felt as if she had ran into a wall, the breath knocked out of her as a large hand grasped her wrist, effortlessly catching her just before she hit the pavement. She swiftly gathered her bearings and yanked her wrist away, vehemently glaring up at the towering man who had ran into her.

She was _certain_ the blonde stranger was not Russian and that he was absolutely the most handsome man she'd ever laid eyes on. His captivating azure eyes stared down at her and with every passing second, she found herself willingly drowning in his sea, blue orbs. He looked like he had fallen from the heavens above, the arches and features of his face resembling that of sublimity, snowflakes clinging to his tousled, blonde hair and even through his leather coat, she could see his hard, ridged muscles that were like a mountain range.

Pleasant warmth unfurled through her core as he gazed as though he knew her, as if he'd seen her in another lifetime - as if she hung the moon and all the stars. She would've been unsettled if it was someone else - she _should've_ been - but there was just something about him that drew her in.

However, she knew what men could do that women couldn't, the pain that they could inflict upon vulnerable women, and it was as if a bucket of frigid water was dumped on her.

"Смотри куда ты идешь!" _[Watch where you're going!]_ She hissed through her grit teeth, taking a step back from him and shoving her hand in her pocket, feeling the handle of her knife brush against her cold fingers.

"I'm so sorry, ma'am!" He said in English, his thick American accent taking her by surprise.

War often waged between Russia and the United States, the history between the two countries being brutal and revengeful. The citizens of their respective countries seldom ventured into the other's, and she was taken back by the handsome American in the country she so loyally served. She felt as though he should leave Russia before he became tainted with the red that dripped from the KGB, as if he should leave to protect himself. She briefly wondered why she even cared for a stranger, and she convened upon her racing thoughts to quiet themselves.

"Are you lost?" She asked in English. She had learned to speak the language well, but her accent still bled through her words, and she knew it was something she needed to learn to conceal. Madame B. would surely scold her if she could hear her now. 

He shook his head in response, his lips quirking up in a smile that made her heart stutter in her chest. His smile was the extraordinary kind that could unthaw the coldest of hearts, that could pull someone - anyone - from the depths of despondency to show them that there was still good in the world.

It made her want to smile back at him. She _almost_ did but instead, she shrugged her shoulder and stepped past him to continue to her apartment.

"Wait, what's your name?" He called after her.

She halted, glancing back at him. She didn't trust him, he was still a stranger, after all. However, she was inquisitive and a part of her _way deep down_ wanted to trust him. "What's yours?" She asked.

"Steve." He replied without hesitation.

She _smiled_. A genuine smile that took herself by surprise. "Natalia." She said before she turned around and continued down the sidewalk, not looking back at him. 

She knew Madame B., the elite Black Widow of the Red Room, would've whipped her for telling Steve her real name. Madame B. would've whipped her until she passed out, until she couldn't walk and had lost so much blood that her head was spinning, until all she could feel was the leather splitting her skin apart. However, a enthralling shiver went up her spine knowing that she'd told him her real name, that for once in her life, she hadn't felt the urging need to lie to protect herself.

She neared her apartment and rushed into the building, the central heating fanning across her face as she walked through the lobby, making her sigh with relief as the chill dissipated through her body. She climbed the stairwell to her floor and unlocked the door, stepping inside and kicking her boots off.

Her midnight, black cat, Liho, bounded into the foyer, a purr resounding through her small body as she rubbed up against Natalia's legs. "Hello, little devil." She said in English, smirking at her cat and reaching down to scratch her ear briefly before she continued into the diminutive kitchen.

The Red Room provided her a small, dilapidated apartment, just like those her age whom made it this far in their training. The door's lock was broken, the terrace was rotting, and inside a hole in the wall, Natalia had discovered a tiny, black kitten who she nursed back to health and kept as her companion. It had been over six months with her 'roommate' who paid rent with her purrs and soft eyes and although Natalia had never had a pet, she'd swiftly come to adore the quirky creature who ran up and down the hallway at three in the morning.

Just as she was about to refill Liho's food, she heard her pager buzz on the counter. She sighed irritably, turning to answer the call. She just returned from another day of arduous training but that's how it always went. She was to serve the KGB, no matter what. She was without a place in the world, other than to serve the regime. Turning to the pager, she flicked it on and Madame B. spoke before she could utter a 'hello.'

"У нас есть чрезвычайно важная секретная миссия для вас." _[We have an extremely important undercover mission for you.]_ Her authoritarian said. "Проверьте свой почтовый ящик на фото. Подойди ближе к этому человеку, выясни его намерения, и тогда ты должен его убить." _[Check your mailbox for the file. Get close to this man, find out his intentions, and then you must kill him.]_

Natalia nodded to herself, leaning on the counter and closing her eyes. It was nothing new to her; the seduction and the lies... the blood and the murder. It was all apart of being an assassin. "Как долго у меня есть?" _[How long do I have?]_ She asked, hoping it wasn't a deep cover mission. She utterly despised playing the part of a damsel in distress that sucked an old man's cock just to eventually slit his throat. Sleeping with the men - _anyone_ \- made her feel dirty, entirely tainted, but she wondered if that was the Red Room's undertaking; to remind them that they were weapons and sex wasn't supposed to be enjoyable for them. It was simply a tool for them to utilize, something the Red Room taught them while they - fourteen year old girls - watched Madame B. teach them how to pleasure a man.

"У тебя три месяца. Мы поговорим завтра." _[You have three months. We'll talk more tomorrow.]_ Madame B. replied before the pager buzzed loudly as she ended the call.

It was a deep, _deep_ cover mission.

Natalia groaned internally, hoping it would conclude a few weeks in, and she wouldn't have to waste her time getting to know a heinous, old man. She typically wasn't chosen for undercover missions, but this one was evidently vital, and KGB felt that the man was a threat.

"This sucks, Liho." She grumbled, briefly wondering why she was still speaking in English as she grabbed her keys and walked down to her mailbox in the lobby.

She grabbed the thin file the Red Room had sent her and climbed the stairwell once more. She flipped through it as she walked but as she came across a photo of the man she was instructed to kill, she froze in her tracks.

It was _Steve_ , the handsome, American stranger.


	2. The Beginning To His End

For the first time in a long time, the sun was shining down on the Russian city. The snow covered Natalia's terrace in layers, sparkling in the sunlight that glistened down in bright rays.

It did nothing to enliven her mood, however.

It was the day she was meeting with the breathtaking stranger, Steve Rogers - _Captain America_ \- who the KGB entrusted her to murder. It should've been easy; she had effortlessly completed many missions like this. Her shoulders should've been pulled back in confidence, and her eyes should've been narrowed with determination. However, as she applied minimal makeup to cadence her feminine features and tugged on a pair of jeans, she found herself convening on _why_.

Why he was a threat to Russia? Why was Captain America even in Russia? Why did he appear to be utmost cordial and kind, when he had heinous intentions? Why was she questioning the KGB when it was surely going to get her killed?

The mission was as straightforward as it could get. She was depicted to be his language instructor, whom he would fall in love with and eventually spill his deepest, darkest secrets to. It was easy, but why did Natalia feel as if she was about to charge into the fray of a waging war?

"Держись от прилавка, Лихо!" _[Stay off the counter, Liho!]_ She admonished her cat who appeared ready to jump on the kitchen island as she grabbed her keys and walked to the front door. She was scheduled to meet with Steve at a small café in the heart of the city, and she should've been there already. With a heavy sigh, she tugged her thick coat around her and continued down the stairwell to the lobby.

The sun beamed down on her face as she stepped outside and walked down the sidewalk. She briskly made her way to the quaint café a short stroll from her apartment building. Her steps shortened as she perceived the sign glowing in the sunlight, but she forced herself to continue on, just like she had done her whole life.

_To continue fighting no matter how much she didn't want to._

She stepped inside the café and immediately saw Steve Rogers sitting at a corner booth. His large hands were clasped together in front of him, his broad shoulders engulfing the table as he read a book. She tugged off her coat and walked up to him, mustering a cordial smile as his azure eyes glanced up to hers. His long, blonde eyelashes brushed across the sharp arch of his cheekbones as he looked down again to push his book aside and then he stood to his feet, pulling out the chair for her. 

"I'm sorry I'm late." She said, sitting down and letting him push the chair in for her. It was an amiable thing for him to do, but she wasn't accustomed to the gentlemanly gestures. However, she had to muster her surprise to establish a ploy and portray herself to be someone she wasn't; she had to act like the woman the Red Room trained her to be.

He sat down across from her and smiled understandingly. Just like the first time, it stole the breath from her lungs, and she looked at a spot behind him on the wall, avoiding his sea, blue eyes that gazed into hers - the ones she could easily drown in. "It's alright, Natalia." He replied, his voice as smooth as she remembered.

She glanced down at the book he had been reading when she walked into the café. _'Russian For Dummies.'_ She tried not to laugh, and she propped her elbows on the table, leaning forward as she looked at him. "So, I have a question for you, Captain America. Why the hell did you come to Russia, when you don't speak Russian?" She said. "Do you know how terrible we are here?"

He awkwardly shifted in his chair as his cheeks flushed and a husky chuckle rumbled through his broad chest. To her surprise, he was reticent, and she could see right through it. She presumed that someone as handsome as Steve Rogers, someone as _famous_ as him, would have women hanging off his strong arms with their panties around their ankles. However, she seemed to have been stereotyping as she read through his files. She had been wrong about people before; she had been wrong to trust.

"I know I'm stupid to come here without knowing Russian but at least I have a great instructor who I don't think is so terrible." He smiled, shrugging his shoulders as he thumbed with the edge of his book.

She shook her head, glancing down at her small hands a few mere inches from his. Her pale skin contrasted to his, his large frame towered over hers, but there was one thing that was the same about them. _The scars._ Just like her own hands, he had small scars on his knuckles from years of fighting that the super-serum couldn't even fade.

 _If only he knew_ , she thought to herself. _If only he knew that she was the beginning to his end._

"I would be a terrible instructor if I didn't teach you anything, so let's start with the basics." She said, tucking her hands in her lap.

It was _easy_ to have a conversation with him, like she didn't have to put on a show because he wasn't putting on one for her. His ambience wasn't imperious like the other men she had been hired to kill in the past and for the very first time, she found her nerves dissipating around the man who was swiftly becoming more than a stranger.

They bantered back and forth as she taught him the basic Russian greetings in the corner booth of the café - him teasing her about her thick accent and pronunciation of some English words - she teasing him about his decision to come to Russia and the way he stumbled over the Russian words that rolled off her tongue effortlessly. Time passed quickly, and she found herself omitting her own mission entirely as the lines blurred between who she was supposed to be and who she actually was.

As the hour passed, she taught him less Russian and their conversation shifted to their personal lives. Although, Natalia divulged insignificant details, she beguiled him into thinking that he was getting to know her as she constructed the walls around her heart that were to never crumble because she was made of marble, because she didn't have a place in the world 

"You named your cat aft-" He began to laugh but swiftly broke off as an elderly lady and a young boy walked past their booth, the woman struggling to hold her cup of coffee and cling to the boisterous child simultaneously.

Steve swiftly stood to his feet, steadying the woman with a hand on her elbow as he caught her cup of coffee that began to spill and got the young boy's attention with a breathtaking smile.

"О, спасибо!" _[Oh, thank you!]_ The woman exclaimed.

Steve smiled before his lips swiftly turned down, and he shook his head as if to say, _'I don't speak Russian.'_

Natalia stepped in, standing from her chair as a well-practiced smile tugged on the corner of her lips. "Он не говорит по-русски, но говорит, что ему рады." _[He doesn't speak Russian, but he says he's welcome.]_ She said with a curt nod. She concealed her surprise, the way her heart raced as she had watched his kind gesture. She knew it wasn't an act; she could read people like no other. It was an action from the goodness of Steve's heart and suddenly, her mission from the KGB was untenable. He hadn't told her why he was in Russia, but her desire to know his own mission surged like a tidal wave.

"Бабушка, это капитан Америка! Он герой!" _[Grandma, that's Captain America! He's a hero!]_ The young boy said as his grandmother guided him away from Steve and Natalia.

She turned to look at him, clasping her hands together in front of her. "I think that's good for today. Although, I didn't teach you much." She mused. She grabbed her coat hanging on the back of the chair and slid it over her shoulders. "Хорошего дня!" _[Have a good afternoon!]_ She smiled, hoping he would recall their lesson and what the Russian words meant as she turned away from him to leave the café.

"Wait, when can I see you again?" He asked quickly, drawing her attention back to his handsome face and stopping her from making a swift getaway. 

She turned and quirked her eyebrow at him. "I thought my secretary scheduled another session for Tuesday? Have you already forgotten, Rogers?" She quipped facetiously.

"No, I haven't forgotten, but I want to see you outside of this. Like... on a date..." He said, glancing into her verdant eyes before his orbs cast down to his shoes as if he suddenly found them to be the most fascinating things in the world.

_The KGB mission._

She had to complete it. She never failed, and it was either his life or _hers_.

She forged a sweet smile, stepping towards him and taking his large hand in hers, just as the Red Room had taught her to do. She looked up at him as his thumb brushed over her knuckle, and a delicious shiver went up her spine. It scared her to feel _something_ she had never felt before, to feel something other than fear and hatefulness. Her mind, the part that had been tainted by the Red Room, told her to pull away from him and never look back at Steve. Her heart, on the other hand, told her to steal him away for herself, to run and never look back at the KGB. However, if she - _they_ \- ran, they would forever be looking out for the KGB.

"I'd love to." She said after a long pause. "Give me a call sometime... anytime." She smiled, pulling her hand back from his and turning away from him. She didn't look back as she left the café, but she was sure his eyes were on her.

As she walked back to her apartment, the sunlight was already fading over the horizon of the city, embellishing the sky in an array of colors that she couldn't appreciate. To her, the world wasn't beautiful. It was black and white; the good and the bad. Natalia was the bad, and Steve was the good.

_Like the villain she was sculpted to be, she had to rid the world of the good._


	3. Can’t Break A Broken Heart

"Вы знаете, что происходит, когда вы терпите неудачу." _[You know what happens when you fail.]_ Madame B. said sinisterly, her eyes glinting in the dim lights above her head as she glowered at Natalia. 

She knew. They all knew, and it didn't matter whose fault it was.

It didn't matter that her backup didn't come when they were supposed to, that the men interrogating her had unexpectedly drugged her and tore her pants off. It didn't matter that she had been assaulted and restrained and when backup finally arrived, she was already unconscious.

The only thing that mattered to the KGB was that she hadn't been able to hack into their target's technological system. She had failed. For one of the very first times in her life, _she had failed._

She blamed herself, and she knew that she deserved the punishment Madame B. and the others were going to inflict. She deserved that and so much more.

"Я знаю. Мне жаль." _[I know. I'm sorry.]_ She murmured in response, shifting in her chair uncomfortably as the muscles between her thighs ached painfully. Her left eye socket was bruised and nearly swollen shut, but she could still see Madame B.'s subtle nod at one of the men that stood behind her.

He stepped forward, a leather whip clutched in one hand, a knife in the other.

As terrible as the punishment was, it would never be as bad as the assault, how she felt as she was violated by the three burly men who took turns between her legs, her dignity stolen from her like the air was punched from her lungs. She wasn't a helpless damsel in distress but in those long, lasting minutes, she had been. The drugs had coursed through her veins, incapacitating her reflexes and her ability to fight back. She had laid there, staring up at the crumbling ceiling, her hands grasping at nothing as two men held her down, while the other thrust his cock inside her, _ripping_ her apart as her blood dripped between their thighs that were pressed together. She could still vividly recall the pain and helplessness - the _fear_ ; the way her head slammed against the floor as he held her hips down, the men groaning and grunting around her as they got off on her anguish... their cum stained the shirt she still wore.

The Red Room could hurt her with punishment, but they couldn't break her. They couldn't break a broken heart.

The Red Room Punisher grasped her arm, tugging her out of the chair and spinning her around. She didn't cry out as the leather whip fiercely lashed her skin. She didn't close her eyes as she felt blood trickle down the arch of her lower back. She just took it, like she was trained to do since she was ten years old. She took the pain and pushed her angst to the back of her mind that was sure to bubble up later that night.

"Не используйте кнут слишком много. Стив Роджерс станет подозрительным, если увидит на ней следы." _[Don't use the whip too much. Steve Rogers will get suspicious if he sees marks on her.]_ Madame B. scolded The Punisher.

He hummed in acknowledgement, tossing the whip to the side and abruptly turning Natalia around to face his towering frame.

She glanced up at the mask he wore, the black fabric covering his face, and all she could see was the heinous glint in his brown eyes. He stared back at her for a long moment before he grasped her arm, slicing her wrist open. He then pulled back and trailed the knife up to her neck. Sharp pain shot up her arm as a drop of crimson blood dripped down her wrist and into the palm of her small hand.

 _Just kill me,_ she thought to herself, even though she knew they wouldn't. It would be an act of mercy, and the KGB wasn't empathetic. Suicide wasn't cowardly, but it was a way out, and there was no way out of the KGB for Natalia.

He pressed the knife to her neck, drawing up beads of blood, and then he abruptly grasped her other arm and slit her wrist, making her wince and inhale sharply.

"Достаточно. Это не наказание, которого она заслуживает, но ей все еще нужно соблазнить Стива Роджерса. Она не может сделать это с уродливыми отметинами повсюду." _[That's enough. It's not the punishment she deserves, but she still needs to seduce Steve Rogers. She can't do that with ugly marks all over her.]_ Madame B. snapped.

The Punisher jerked away from her, and Natalia locked her knees as her head spun. She wanted to disappear, to sink to the floor and beg for death. However, that was the easy way out. Death was a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

"Иди и сожги эту рубашку." _[Go now and burn that shirt.]_ Madame B. said to Natalia, pointing to the door before she turned and spoke lowly to The Punisher. 

She grabbed her coat and left the training headquarters quickly, her strides purposeful and long as she rushed back to her apartment. Her muscles ached and burned, the whip lash on her back stung much more than a bee sting, and blood seeped through her shirt. It wasn't like the pain in her heart, however. That was callous and an entirely different kind of pain; the kind she couldn't tolerate. They said time heals all wounds, but she wondered if it would heal scars... Natalia didn't think it would.

She rushed into the lobby and up the stairwell to her apartment. As soon as the door was shut behind her, her composure crumpled and tears slid down the arch of her bruised cheekbones.

Death was the only way out. Death was the only way for her to break away from the KGB regime that she so desperately yearned to escape from. It was the only way for her to ease herself from the torment of her mind, to never have to look at the scars on her body again.

With a heart wrenching cry, she stumbled into the kitchen, shoving off her coat and her shirt stained with her rapist's cum that she swiftly dumped in the trash. As she wrenched open the drawer where she concealed her loaded handgun, she broke the wood and collapsed to the tile floor, clutching the gun with her trembling hands. The cool metal pressed against her palm, and she flicked off the safety.

_It was so easy._

She didn't want to die, no. She just wanted to be free, to escape from the pain. She didn't have any reason to live. Although, her sister Yelena would be devastated, she would move on and the sun would still rise. She would survive, and Natalia wouldn't. Yelena was strong, but Natalia had failed. Maybe she had no place in the world but to _fail_ , a used, dirty whore with red gushing from her ledger. She was hired to kill Captain America, after all. A man who stood for all the goodness in the world in all his star, spangled glory. 

She lifted the gun to her temple, her hands shaking violently as her breathing became ragged and sobs shook her shoulders. She didn't feel numb anymore. All she could feel was pain, agony that never really seemed to ebb. She hooked her finger around the trigger, pressing the gun more firmly into her temple.

She envisioned her blood and brain painting the cabinets behind her, the elderly neighbor who would most likely find her after hearing the gunshot.

_Then her cat, Liho._

She heard her meow softly, her paws padding on the kitchen tile as her black cat walked up to Natalia and brushed against her leg.

In that moment with a gun to her head and her finger on the trigger, she conjectured who would feed Liho and take care of her, to make sure she had water and plenty of cat toys to entertain herself with. Her cat would be alone, left to fend for herself on the streets because Natalia knew no one else would take her in.

Liho purred, stepping onto her lap and rubbing the top of her head against Natalia's trembling chin that was wet with tears.

_She had a reason to live._

It was small - insignificant to others - but she had one. A sliver of hope that sparked within a small, black cat who was supposed to be unlucky.

"I'm sorry, Liho." Natalia whimpered before another sob rose from within her throat. However, the ache in her heart had notably faded. She clicked the safety back into place and set down the gun before she grasped her cat and clutched her to her chest.

_"I'm so sorry."_


	4. It Doesn’t Take Guns To Kill

Today was the day Steve Rogers was taking Natalia Romanov on an 'official' date.

She wasn't looking forward to it however, and she was already exceedingly late. She should've been dressed already, but she had just emerged from the steaming bathroom with soaking wet hair and a towel tucked around her frame. Liho sat on the bed, sprawled out on the coral camisole and blue jeans she picked out for the evening. The cat purred complacently without a care in the world, gazing at Natalia with sweet, emerald eyes.

"Don't look at me like that, little devil." Natalia mumbled, running a comb through her hair as she stared at herself in the mirror of the dresser. The identical slits on both her wrists caught her assiduity and for a moment, she was drug under by fierce waves of her torment from only three days ago; of her rapists, The Punisher and Madame B., and the long, despondent moments she held a gun to her temple with her finger on the trigger. Her head began to spin, her stomach swirling with nausea as she began to drown in the flashbacks, her vision darkening around the edges.

 _No_.

She couldn't get caught up in her affliction. Not tonight, at least. Tonight, she had to cover her wounds with makeup, muster a audacious smile, and seduce Captain America to complete her mission.

To keep herself alive and to not fail.

Dropping her towel on the floor, she nudged Liho off her clothes and tugged them on over a black, lace lingerie that would have Steve Rogers' captivating, azure eyes staring at her as if she was the most exquisite woman and pleading for her to take him over and over again. No matter how much she didn't want to fuck him, she had to for the mission - _to survive_ \- even if it was slowly killing her.

She groaned lowly as she heard a knock on her front door. Steve had come to pick her up; he was right on time, but she wasn't. Her hair wasn't even dry, and she hadn't had the chance to cover her wounds and scars with makeup.

"Блядь!" _[Fuck!]_ She hissed through her teeth, trotting to the door and opening it with an apologetic smile. "I'm running late, as usual." She said as she tilted her chin up to look at Steve, whose vast frame towered above her. 

He stole the breath from her lungs without even trying. It seemed to happen every, damn time she looked at him. His blue button down brandished his broad, muscular frame and snowflakes clung to his tousled, blonde hair. He looked like he had stepped out of one of the posters Yelena used to hang on her bedroom wall; the perfect, riotous man who stood for America, but for some reason had found himself in the icy tundra of Russia. 

"We're in no rush, Natalia." He assured her with a handsome smile, holding out the Lily flowers he had in his hand. "It's great to see you again." He said, already looking at her as if she was the most exquisite woman, and she hadn't even stripped off her clothes.

She had been too busy admiring the arches and valleys of his features that she hadn't even perceived the Lilies. "Thank you, Steve. If you give me twenty minutes, I'll be ready." She smiled, gesturing him into her apartment and closing the door behind him. She swiftly filled a glass vase and set the flowers in it before she rushed back into her bedroom, thinking about how beautifully fresh the flowers were.

Her contemplation was hindered as she heard Steve say Liho's name and noticed her cat had disappeared from the bedroom. "предатель." _[Traitor.]_ Natalia mumbled, shaking her head to herself as she pulled her blow dryer from the wooden, dresser drawer.

"Hey, you' know the lock on your door is broken?" Steve called from the foyer.

She rolled her verdant eyes to herself. Of course she knew, but the lord would need to have mercy on any poor soul who dared to break into a Black Widow's apartment. "Yeah, I haven't gotten around to fixing it." She replied, setting down the blow dryer and looking around the doorframe at Steve. He held Liho in his arms, scratching her ear as her purr reverberated through the apartment. Natalia had never thought of a man as being appealing - _adorable_ \- but there was just something about seeing Steve cradling Liho in his strong arms that made her heart thrum, her pulse pound, and a smile graced her lips.

He perceived her eyes on him and smiled at her. "While you're getting ready, I'm going to fix this. You' got a toolbox or anything?" He asked.

"No." She laughed, shaking her head as she turned around and walked back into her bedroom. She had an assortment of knifes and guns but not a toolbox.

"I'll be right back, Natalia." He said, sounding determined as if fixing a doorknob was his profound mission. Liho meowed in discontentment as he set her down on the floor, and the door shut a moment later.

She flicked on the blow dryer as Liho padded into the bedroom and leapt lithely onto the bed. "Он милый, не так ли? Жаль, что мы не можем привязаться." _[He's cute, isn't he? Too bad we can't keep him around.]_ Natalia spoke to her cat as she dried her hair as much as she could. Once water droplets had stopped dripping down the back of her camisole, she began the task of concealing her many scars and the wounds on her wrists. As she smudged makeup over a scar on her hip, she heard Steve return to her apartment and began to fix her door. It wasn't necessary, but she wasn't going to tell him that. In his eyes, she had to look like an impotent woman and not a KGB assassin who had been living on her own since she was fourteen years old.

After her scars and wounds were covered with makeup, Natalia sauntered into the kitchen where Steve had taken apart the doorframe to screw in the new locks. His hard-ridged muscles rolled with every small movement of his body, and he momentarily smiled at her before he continued to screw another nail into the wood. "Almost done." He told her.

She breathed a soft laugh as Liho rubbed against his arm, and she grasped her cat, holding Liho to her chest as she discreetly admired Steve. "Thank you for doing this." She said. There was something about his gesture - the way he dropped everything for her, for someone he hardly knew, to make sure she was safe with a functioning lock on her apartment door. No one, other than her sister, had ever cared so much, and it made her heart flourish with something Natalia had never felt before. However, she knew that she had to omit the feeling entirely.

She set down Liho as Steve screwed the last nail into the frame, and she slid on her winter boots. "Can we go now? I'm starving." She said teasingly as Steve stood from his knees and tugged on his jacket.

"Yes ma'am." He chuckled. As she led him down the stairwell and into the lobby, he smirked brazenly at her. "Do you want to know why I actually fixed your lock?"

She quirked an eyebrow at him. "Why, Rogers?"

"Because I'd steal Liho for myself." He affirmed.

She laughed, nudging him in the ribs with her elbow as she walked past him when he held the door open for her.

As they walked from her apartment to the restaurant Steve had planned to take her to, his hand brushed against the arch of her lower back, and she leaned into his touch. It was as easy as breathing and almost as easy as putting a gun to her head. The vestige between them was something she was cognizant of, and it was either going to make her mission more attainable or _that_ much more difficult. With the way warmth spread through her core as the conversation between them flowed effortlessly, she speculated it would be the latter.

Steve had reserved a table at the most lavish restaurant in the city and although, Natalia had been brandished as arm-candy before, assigned to escort a target or another Red Room, undercover assassin, this was entirely dissonant. It didn't feel like a mission - talking with Steve as they ate, bantering back and forth with their legs brushing underneath the table. She felt human; she could _feel_ , and she didn't have to act like someone she wasn't. Since she'd met him, Natalia had found herself having many first's with Steve, and this wasn't an exception. In a crowded restaurant, surrounded by those she didn't know but in the company of one she did, Natalia was at ease and a significant weight was lifted off her shoulders.

She didn't want the night to end but at some point, it had to, and she knew how it would with her body connected with Steve's. As much as she relished in his company, she didn't want to have sex with the flashbacks of her rape so coarse in her mind.

_Still so reprehensible._

Steve's hand was a warm comfort in hers, quieting her mind that whirled in circles as they walked back to her apartment after finishing dinner. His thumb brushed across the pounding pulse in her wrist, and she looked up at him. "So, why are you really here?" Natalia asked, breaking the comfortable silence that encompassed them as they walked.

He glanced down at her, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "You'd think I'm crazy..." He shook his head before he squeezed her hand gently. "So, let's just say I'm trying to get my happy ending."

She frowned, trying to conjecture what he meant by reading between the lines of his words. "A happy ending? What are you trying to do? Find love in Russia?" She laughed, shaking her head. _Impossible_. Love was for children, and Captain America didn't need love.

"Maybe, Natalia." He replied quietly.

He evidently wasn't going to tell her more than he already had, but she didn't pry. She would eventually find out why he was in Russia, but she already surmised that he was trying to end the KGB regime, hence why they wanted him dead.

As they neared the block to her apartment, she pulled her keys from her jacket that she would actually need since Steve fixed her door lock and lengthened her strides.

"For being short, you walk really fast." Steve quipped as they stepped into the lobby of her building.

The heat that blew across her face was an utter relief from the cold as they walked inside, and she rolled her eyes at his remark, pulling her hand back from his to grasp the collar of his jacket. "I just had to get out of the cold." She hummed voluptuously, pressing against him as she reached up on her toes. 

Now, she had to turn him on, to draw him closer and closer to her as she peeled back the layers of everything that Captain America was and stood for. "You should warm me up." She whispered, perceiving the way his azure orbs darkened as he glanced at her lips. She could feel his heart racing underneath the palms of her hands, the way he arched into her touch as she pulled him even closer. The air around them cracked and sizzled with vestige.

"Can I kiss you?" He asked, taking her by surprise.

 _Consent_.

Something no man had ever asked Natalia for.

"I'd be disappointed if you didn't." She said.

He leaned in, and she met him the rest of the way.

The breath _whooshed_ from her chest as his lips fit between hers like the last missing puzzle piece to her heart. He kissed her as if she was precious to him, held her as if she was his to love, and all Natalia could feel was Steve. His tongue caressed her bottom lip, brushing against hers as she kissed him back with just as much ardor. Her toes curled in her boots and goosebumps ghosted across her skin as she pressed against him - _closer, closer, and closer._

He pulled back much too soon, reaching up to brush her hair over her shoulder as he kissed her forehead tenderly.

"Take me... let’s go upstairs." She said, sounding breathless and thoroughly wrecked.

_It wasn't an act._

He shook his head, gazing into her verdant eyes before he brushed his lips against hers once more. "Not tonight. I want to do this right, Natalia. You deserve everything." He murmured.

For once in her life, she was okay with waiting. 

However, she wanted to cry out in vexation for a different reason as she tucked her head into the crook of his neck. If only he knew who she was - her mission from the KGB. Maybe he'd run away - _save himself_ \- because he didn't deserve to die.   


Natalia, on the other hand, certainly did.


	5. Beauty Through The Red

The candles flickered, the array of flowers eloquent in the light and reflecting their silhouette on the blanket Steve had laid out for them along with a bottle of expensive wine. Natalia looked around in wonderment as she stood atop the hotel roof, sheltered from the strident, Russian cold by the glass, viewing globe.

It was only their second date, and she had only known him for three weeks but once again, he had stolen her breath away. It was a small yet an entirely meaningful gesture - to invite Natalia to his hotel to watch the sun sink below the horizon of the city as they sipped wine as red as blood. She had never done anything like it, to just sit and talk about nothing and everything. She had never even taken the time to look at the vibrant colors dancing across the sky in a mosaic emulate. She had always thought that beauty didn't exist in a world as cruel as hers, but she had evidently been wrong. There was beauty but only if she looked hard enough and sometimes, she only saw it when she by Steve's side.

She looked back at him, standing by the entrance to the globe, his hands shoved in his jean pockets as he gazed at her with his azure eyes. For a moment, she wondered if she took his breath away as well. She had tried, curling her long, crimson hair and wearing one of her long dresses that embellished her womanly curves. Sometimes she knew what he was thinking and then other times, like tonight, she couldn't read his flawless features.

"Is this okay?" He asked, speaking before Natalia could. He sounded shy like she was the one who made him nervous, when he actually did that to her. It was as if he was worried she wouldn't like his date idea, his cheeks flushed ever, so slightly and his head tilted down. 

"It's amazing, Steve." She said, striding up to him and taking his large hands in her small ones. She brushed her thumb over his scarred knuckle, feeling the heat from his palm curl all the way down to her toes. "I love it." She murmured. _She really meant it._ She reached up on the tips of toes to press her lips to his in a gentle, adoring kiss. She felt zeal spark within her core, and she kissed him deeper as he pulled her closer. Just as she began to drown in the riotous passion he invoked from within her, Steve abruptly pulled back to swoop her up in his strong arms. She could feel his vast muscles against her petite frame, the warmth from his chest, and his steady heartbeat was a soothing melody in her ear.

She threw her head back as he carried her, giggling and clinging onto him, even though she knew he wouldn't ever let her fall. "You're sweeping me off my feet, Американский мальчик." _[American boy.]_ She said, looking up at him through her eyelashes as he walked to the blanket.

His jawline was sharp, but his eyes were soft as he lowered her down to the floor and sat next to her. "I understood that!" He exclaimed excitedly as he flicked on the stereo system and music began to play softly. He sounded enthralled as her teaching and his hard work had evidently paid off. He still had much to learn however, but she had only given him three lessons, and she'd come to find out that he learned quickly and was determined to understand the Russian language.

_Maybe he was determined to understand her._

She smiled up at him in response, laying back on the blanket as she gazed up at the sunset. She was at peace - her mind quiet and her muscles lax. In the past, her missions had always been about speed, about keeping herself alive, and getting the job done. In the past, she contended to get away from her target as quickly as possible, even if it meant killing them in a brutal fashion. However, Steve's company wasn't vexing, and she had come to actually enjoy her time with him as his presence was entirely alluring. She didn't want to kill him, not now and maybe not ever, but it was a shame she _had_ to.

"Can I draw you?" Steve asked, pulling her from the remnants of her contemplation as she listened to the radio playing quietly.

She quirked an eyebrow at him, wondering if he was insinuating to something sexual or if he actually wanted to draw her under the beautiful sunset. Either way, she was his for the night, and he could do whatever he wanted to do with her. 

"That sounded better in my mind..." He murmured as he perceived her bewilderment, his cheeks flushing with color as he demurely combed his fingers through his blonde hair.

She smirked chastely at him and leaned up on her elbows. "Sure, whatever you want to do." She replied casually.

"I'll be right back." Steve smiled handsomely, standing to his feet and leaving Natalia alone in the dark, twisted recesses of her mind.

It should've scared her - to be willing to give up a significant amount of control and surrender herself to him. She had so little of it in her life, and so much of it had been stolen away from her over the years of working for the KGB. However, she wasn't apprehensive that Steve would take even more away from her. She'd come to know him like the back of her hand just like she had gotten to know all her targets. She knew that he was the kindest person and would always go out of his way to help anyone in need. She had learned that he was from Brooklyn, New York and eventually wanted to settle down there. She also knew that he hated the cold but fortunately, he didn't chill easily, and he also loved to draw. Although, he was different from the rest of her targets in the way that he knew her too. He knew quirks she didn't even know she had; like she only sat on one side of the couch, that she liked her tea with two sugar cubes, and she discreetly liked to watch American comedies on the television because they made her laugh. 

She knew so much about him, and he knew too much about her. 

He returned to the globe on the rooftop a few minutes later, a canvas in his hand along with an assortment of pencils. He sat back down next to her, and she laid on her back as she turned her head to look at him. His azure eyes gleamed in the candle light, regarding her with a kind of adoration that incited warmth throughout her core. Her fingertips twitched with the urge to touch him, to pull him close and lose herself in everything that was him. However, she knew there would be plenty of time for that, and she could wait a few more days until Steve _finally_ touched her the way she had been longing for.

"You' want to draw me like one of your French girls?" She smirked, fluttering her long eyelashes at him and reaching out to brush her hand across his muscled thigh.

"Ha... you're so funny." He rolled his eyes, leaning down to kiss her briefly before he pulled back to position the canvas on his knee.

She closed her eyes as he began to sketch her, listening to the sound of the pencil on the canvas and the music that softly played from the radio. It almost lulled her to sleep, her arm tucked underneath her head as heat radiated from Steve's body that warmed her own.

"Can I see?" She asked after a while, opening her eyes to look up at him. She perceived his soft lips pursed with concentration, and the corners of his eyes were scrunched adorably as he sketched.

 _God_ , he was flawless.

Natalia felt fortunate to be a woman he held and kissed - the one he gazed at with ardor and zeal. She didn't feel _that_ lucky, however. She was still the one who had to kill him, to put a bullet in his heart that she would snatch from him, if she hadn't already.

"Not yet. Let me finish the outline." He shook his head.

She huffed in vexation and rolled over onto her back. She gazed up at the twinkling stars above them, the sky that had turned dark and the moon that shone brightly. Her mind drifted to fate - a fickle thing that she wasn't sure existed. According to the Red Room, their paths as Black Widows were written in the stars, destined to be the world's deadliest assassins. However, she wondered about Captain America. Was he was condemned to be murdered by Natalia, even though he had changed the world and could do even more good? If he was destined to be killed by someone much lesser than him...

"What are you thinking about in that pretty mind of yours?" Steve asked, looking at her over the canvas balanced on his leg.

She was surprised that she hadn't perceived his eyes on her, and she sat up, shrugging her shoulder at him as the corners of her lips lifted into a smile. "I'm thinking about how you should ask me to dance." She replied, alluding to the romantic song that played on the radio.

"I know you haven't danced since you threw out your ballerina shoes... I would be more than happy to have this dance with you." He said, setting down the canvas and standing to his feet. He held his hand out to her, and she took it, letting him pull her to her feet.

She smiled as he recalled something extraordinarily personal she had told him a week ago. She used to love dancing, the way she could let go and lose herself entirely in the music. However, just like the Red Room had dilapidated everything else, Madame B. had turned ballet into an armament and after Natalia turned seventeen, she had never danced again. Tonight though, she would let Steve guide her and sweep her off her feet. Tonight, she would let him guide her in the language of love.

He took her right hand in his, entwining their fingers as his other arm wound around the arch of her lower back. Her own slid around his neck, and she closed her eyes as he pressed his forehead to hers. The English love song faded into the background as Natalia convened upon Steve; his touch, his warmth, his _everything_. His nose brushed against hers, and she tilted her chin up to kiss him. She tried to pour her feelings into the kiss as if it was their last one, as if she would have to kill him then and there under the cloudless, night sky. He kissed her with just as much passion, holding her closely as he whispered her name. The word love was on the tip of her tongue, but she omitted it entirely.

She was not made to love.

It was her destiny to kill him and as fate had it, he was destined to die.


	6. The Walls Just Keep Crumbling

The chains swung violently from the ceiling.

_Whoosh. Whoosh. Whoosh._

With each swing of the punching bag, the chains bounced and clanged as Natalia slammed her fist against it over and over again. With each punch and each swift kick, a swell of power surged within her, making her thrust her body forward even more forcefully. Her muscles tensed as the affliction in her mind faded into nothing while she beat fifty shades of red into punching bag. She had _needed_ this more than anything. She had needed to lose herself in the power that fighting gave her, the adrenaline that coursed through her veins as she used her body in the only way she knew how to. She needed to train because of one man - one man who had entirely compromised her and the whole operation she was assigned to complete.

_Steve Rogers._

She now had under two months to unearth his deepest, darkest secrets and then kill him. She had made plenty of progress; he frequently took her out on wonderfully, pleasant dates, told her how much he was falling in love with her as he kissed her breathless, and she saw him almost everyday - she had never spent so much time with someone before, other than her cat. However time was flying by, and she had to begin the deep cover task of her mission. After all, it was either Steve's life or her own, and she _couldn't_ fail again. 

"Я просто не понимаю, почему это так сложно." _[I just don't understand why it's so difficult.]_ Natalia huffed between sharp inhales as she continued to rain blow after blow on the punching bag. It was the most arduous mission she had ever had to complete. It contrasted greatly to the nights she spent in the tundra, the time she had fought off a dozen men with a bullet lodged in her thigh, and even when she had leapt from a rooftop without a parachute. This was much more difficult because _love_ was involved with a man who Natalia was falling for... a man who would be there to catch her at the end of her fall, if only she wasn't a KGB assassin and a product of the Red Room. 

Behind her, Yelena laughed at her words. "Вы не понимаете, потому что вы безумно сражены с ним. Он все, о чем ты говорил." _[You don't understand because you're entirely smitten with him. He's all you've talked about.]_ Her older sister replied as she sat behind Natalia where she worked out, stretching out her toned muscles on the mat in preparation for her own training. 

Natalia rolled her eyes, turning around briefly to glare at Yelena with piercing, verdant eyes. _No_ , her sister wasn't wrong. However, she would never admit the potent ardor she felt for Captain America. She couldn't tell anyone about her ardor for Steve, or Madame B. would torture and murder them all. Even though Natalia was destined to kill him, she didn't want him to suffer. _Not at all._

According to the Red Room, love was for children - a weakness. Black Widows' weren't weak. They weren't devised to have a family or a life outside of the Red Room. After all, at the graduation ceremony, they were to be sterilized. Black Widows' were merely weapons to be used and stowed away until they were needed again.

A flash of movement caught her eye in the doorway, and she looked over her shoulder to see The Winter Solider striding into the room as if he owned the Red Room Training Headquarters. His metal arm swung loosely as he silently walked over to them across the padded mats, and he smirked knowingly at Natalia. "Елена права, Нат. Если бы я только мог встретить этого человека, у которого есть твое сердце." _[Yelena is right, Nat. If only I could meet this man who has your heart.]_ James chimed in as he sat next to Yelena and pressed a kiss to her blonde hairline. They had been dating for a year but very few people actually knew about their relationship. It was forbidden, their love affair that had only given them strength. Natalia had been entirely against it when Yelena and James had confessed to her but now, she would fight for them - her sister and a man who was agnate to a brother.

"Вы двое потише, прежде чем нас всех убьют?" _[Will you two keep it down before you get us all killed?]_ Natalia hissed, dropping her arms at her side as she spun on the heels of her boots to glare at them. "Там просто ... он другой. У него самое большое сердце, и он абсолютно одержим Лихо." _[There's just... he's different. He has the biggest heart, and he's absolutely obsessed with Liho.]_ She mumbled nearly to herself as she unwrapped her hands.

"Там она снова начинает бродить!" _[There she goes rambling on again!]_ Yelena laughed, standing to her feet along with James.

Natalia rolled her eyes and just as she was about to stride past them to the door, her bulky, burner phone rung in her bag that she had thrown off to the side. There was only three people who had that number, and two of them were in the room with her. 

_Steve was calling._

She bit her lip as a chaste smile tugged at the corner of her lips when she thought about hearing his husky voice and seeing him later that evening. The warmth that spread through her core was utterly exhilarating, and she rushed over to her bag to answer the phone.

"Hey, sweetheart. Do you know any first aid?" Steve asked as soon as she uttered a 'hello' into the speaker.

Her eyebrows creased in confusion as a tidal wave of apprehension surged through her. _Was he hurt?_ Had another Red Room agent subverted her mission? That was never the plan! Her worry swiftly dissipated into anger at the thought of someone wounding him, an unduly protectiveness and devotion that Natalia should've never developed. "What's wrong?" She asked, quickly tugging her coat on and slinging her bag over her shoulder. Yelena and James looked at her with concern glinting in their eyes, but she waved them goodbye and rushed from the training room.

"Can you meet me at the hotel?" Steve asked her, evading the question. "I'll tell you everything when you get here."

She nodded her head, even though he couldn't see her. "Yes, of course. I'll be there in twenty." She replied.

Her mind raced as she walked quickly to Steve's hotel in the middle of the city. The snow crunched under her boots with each calculated step she took, and she tried her hardest to focus on the veiled, slippery ice; she would be no help to Steve if she was hurt as well. The walk felt like hours as she sidestepped the few pedestrians walking home from work in the bitter cold that nipped at her exposed skin. She hardly felt it, however. All she could think about was Steve and how desolate she would be if he was seriously hurt and _suffering_. It would be entirely her fault.

Her heart was pounding as she stepped into the hotel lobby, and her hands were trembling in her gloves as she pulled the key card he had given her from her bag. She rode the elevator to his floor, rushing down the hallway to his suite and swiftly entering the room. Her blood ran cold when she saw a bloody handprint on the plaster wall and heard a loud _clang_ from the bathroom.

"Steve, младенец!" _[Babe!]_ She called, shoving her hand in her pocket and feeling the leather handle of her knife graze her fingertips.

She relaxed notably as he looked around the doorframe and smiled at her as if he wasn't covered in his own blood. It splattered across his handsome face, darkening his tousled hair and his red, white, and blue Captain America ensemble he wore that brandished his vast, powerful muscles. She'd never seen him in it before - only photos - but even dismally painted with blood, he looked utterly enticing. Although, at the moment that wasn't her preeminent concern. "What the hell happened to you, Rogers?" She exclaimed. She shoved her coat off her shoulders and rushed up to him, her hands cupping his sharp jawline before they trailed down to his broad chest as she swiftly found where his bleeding was coming from: an elongated slash on his abdomen. She focused entirely on helping him, not perceiving the way his bright, azure eyes gazed at her with love, his fingers twitching with the urge to touch her but not wanting to stain her clothes with blood.

"My mission in Russia is personal, but I'm also here to bring down the Red Room." Steve said out of the blue. "I'm sure you've heard of it?"

As she swiftly unzipped his ensemble, she tugged his suit down to his waist as she pushed him back into the bathroom and pressed a handful of towels to his wound. His blood seeped through the fabric, and she could feel the unsettling warmth in the palm of her hands. As she did so, she bit back a bitter laugh as he mentioned the Red Room. "Yes, but why?" She asked, glancing up into his eyes. _This was it._ This was her entire mission - to exhume his secrets and then murder him in what was supposed to be cold blood. Only she was compromised... she _cared_ , and it wouldn't be cold blood.

"The Red Room is evil - heinous. I know the people they are training are victims, and they aren't the evil ones." Steve said as she worked on ceasing the bleeding. Her medical training was finite but she, at least, would be able to manage this wound.

However when she heard his words, she almost dropped the towels that were soaked in his blood. He was wrong, _so wrong._ They were all sinful, and Steve should've never came to Russia. He didn't know what she had done, the innocent people she murdered and left to die... that she was even assigned to kill him although, she didn't want to, and she didn't exactly want him to die.

She longed to tell him everything, to plead and beg him to return to America where he was safe away from her.

"That's... I've heard differently." She shook her head, continuing to wipe away the blood and dirt from his stab wound as she focused on each ridge of his abs. She was relieved when she saw the slash wound wasn't as deep as she thought and with medical care and the powerful super-serum coursing through his veins, he would fortunately heal in the days to come. Just as she turned from him to retrieve the first aid kit from her bag, he reached out and took her hands in his bloodied ones.

"Really? I know the trainees did what they had to do to survive and if they were given the chance to get away, they would take it." He said lowly, his fingers slipping under her sweater and brushing over the fresh scars on her wrists that the The Punisher had inflicted. 

_She hadn't had time to cover her scars with makeup!_

She jerked away, her heart pounding as she turned from him. He _couldn't_ know. There was no possible way that he knew that she was an assassin from the Red Room. She swiftly left the bathroom and found the kit in her bag, but she hesitated before she returned to his side. _What if he did know?_ He was Captain America, after all, and had just as much contacts as she had, along with help from the United States government. However if he did know her mission from the KGB, he would've killed her before she could've even killed him. He wouldn't have called her for help or looked at her as if she hung all the stars in the world. No, everything was still in play and for now, she didn't have to be apprehensive.

She walked back into the bathroom, concealing her affliction in the way she was taught to. As she dropped to her knees in front of him and pulled out gauze and the rubbing alcohol, he spoke mindlessly, but she listened closely. 

"I tried to break into the KGB government building to get all the Red Room's files. Clearly, it didn't work out in my favor. I know if I can get some of the trainees from the Red Room on my side, we can destroy the training organization." Steve said.

She wanted to shake her head, to tell him that a plan like that would never work. They were all brain washed and those who weren't, like herself, Yelena, and James, knew that there was no way to escape the firm clutches of the KGB. Even if his plan miraculously worked, the Red Room would reorganize and flourish from the ashes, constructing themselves to be even stronger than before. However, she couldn't tell him any of that. She was Natalia, his sweet and innocent language instructor and now girlfriend, who didn't have any connection to the Red Room. "Why isn't the US government helping you?" She asked, managing not to sound as inquisitive as she really was.

"It's my mission. The war is over, and I don't need their help." He replied.

A soft hiss pushed through his teeth as she poured rubbing alcohol onto the stab wound and wiped it away. "Really?" She laughed, shaking her head. She dumped the towels into the trash bin and pulled out a thick wad of gauze.

"Okay, maybe help would be nice, but I don't need it." He shrugged one of his broad shoulders with a soft chuckle.

She rolled her eyes, and he lifted his arm so she could secure the gauze around his abdomen. "You need to take a shower and then change the bandage. Make sure you do it overnight too." She told him as she stood to her feet and scrubbed her hands in the sink. The water turned crimson as his blood ran down her fingers and washed down the drain. The room was suffocating, her mind in a whirl as she heard Steve stand up behind her. He didn't know her mission, but Steve's engagement with the KGB reminded her that he was her mark, and she needed to kill him. _Soon_. The more he affronted with the Red Room, the more her mission was jeopardized and if he were to procured their files, he would kill her.

_She would fail._

"You're not going to stay?" He asked her as he turned on the shower and took the rest of his ensemble off, leaving him in a dark pair of briefs.

She looked over her shoulder at him, swallowing thickly as her emerald eyes glazed over with desire. They had made out plenty of times before - she'd touched him many times - but they hadn't had sex yet. Steve was adamant about not crossing that line even though if it was up to Natalia, she would've already had her wicked way with him a month ago. It was the first time she was seeing so much of him - an incredible man who made her knees weak and her thighs tremble. "I'll stay if you want me to." She said, her voice fading at the end of her words. She could hardly keep herself together in front of him, her body quivering as she longed to touch him.

"I'd love for you to." He smiled, seemingly oblivious to her ardor.

He kissed her cheek as she turned to walk out of the bathroom, and she winked at him. "You're a tease, baby." She said, giggling like a school girl and making sure to sway her hips as she shut the bathroom door.

"Only for you, Nat!" He called, and she smiled to herself as she walked through his tidy bedroom.

She had spent an cogent amount of time at his hotel suite, and he even had spare cat food for Liho when she brought the cat over. She felt more at home than she did when she was at her apartment, and she stripped from her training clothes to swiftly cover her vindictive scars with makeup that she in her bag for instances like these, before she put on one of Steve's button downs. The hem brushed against her thighs as she continued into the kitchen to cook dinner for them. It just felt so _right_ , so normal for her to play his girlfriend - _to be his._ She had planted her ploy well, but she knew it was deeper than that, that maybe in another lifetime fate had intertwined their lives.

As she walked past the living room, she saw the canvas he had been drawing on when they had their date on the rooftop... _the drawing of her._ Her heart leapt into her throat as she turned the canvas over and saw the drawing he was nearly done painting.

_She looked beautiful._

She wondered if he saw her like this, alluring and entirely free. He had painted the emerald specks in her eyes, the sharp arch of her cheekbones, and even a small scar below her collarbone. He perceived everything about her - even the way her lips turned up as she smiled at him; a smile that was only reserved for him. The walls around her heart just kept crumbling, and she wasn't ready to let him go.

_She would never be ready._


	7. Three Beautiful Words

✉️ Отчет о состоянии дел. Сейчас же. _[Status report. Now.]_

Natalia's heart leapt in her throat as her pager buzzed beside her on the couch, and she picked up her phone to read the message from Madame B.. She had everything she needed to complete the mission and kill Steve, but she wasn't ready to tell them that.

Her heart wasn't ready.

✉️ Цель все еще осторожна. Еще две недели и миссия должна быть завершена. _[Target is still cautious. Two more weeks and the mission should be completed.]_ She typed, drawing her knees up to her chest as she pulled the fleece blanket around her tighter. It wasn't the first time she had lied to the Red Room, but it was the most altruistic deception she had ever told them because she couldn't lie to herself anymore.

_She loved Steve._

She had realized it when she'd spent the night with him after he was stabbed - his strong, muscular body curled around hers, their legs entwined as she slept more soundly than she ever had before. When he'd awoken her with doting kisses across her shoulder, whispering Russian in her ear as she turned over to kiss him breathless, the words 'I love you' were on the tip of her tongue. It was entirely frightening, coming to the realization that he could hurt her. He could break her heart, and she would let him simply because she was so devoted to him. Although, she knew a man as extraordinary as Steve couldn't love a woman like her. He would never feel the same way if he knew who she really was.

✉️ У тебя есть неделя. _[You have a week.]_ Madame B. responded almost instantly.

Natalia's throat tightened as the Red Room constricted their hold on her even more, and she threw her phone down on the couch. The photo on the living room table of her and Steve caught her attention, and she gazed at the picture - their bright, joyous smiles at the camera and their arms around each other. She couldn't even remember what they had been laughing about as Steve's friend took the photo. All her mind could focus on was that she had a week left with him, a mere week with the man she loved - a man who wholeheartedly trusted her (even if she had been lying to him the entire time). He had become her best friend, someone who made her feel like a better person.

She hadn't seen him in two days yet her heart yearned for him while she had been avoiding him. If she could hardly stand being away from him for two days, how was she supposed to survive a lifetime without him?

She hadn't responded to his calls or texts, and she hoped he wouldn't show up at her apartment, especially not today. Not today when her body wasn't covered with makeup as she moped around in his Dodgers sweatshirts and a pair of black leggings. However, Natalia never really had much luck, and Steve would never let her slip through his fingers like that. 

There was a firm knock at her front door, and Liho bounded into the foyer as if she knew Steve was on the other side. Natalia groaned in vexation, forcing herself off the couch as she walked to the door and sidestepped Liho as the cat meowed at her feet. She unlocked the door and _there he was_. She gazed at the man who had to heart in the palm of his hand, longing to leap into his arms, to kiss him until goosebumps ghosted across her skin and all she could feel was him, _but she didn't._ She omitted her ardor entirely and pursed her lips as he bent down to pick Liho up.

"You know you have a key to my place, right?" She huffed, crossing her arms over her chest. His sweatshirt hung off her shoulders, baring her scars to him - the nefariousness side of her that she'd tried to conceal from him for so long. There wasn't a point in hiding them now... she was going to kill him anyway.

His azure eyes gazed into hers as he scratched Liho's ear, looking into her soul and not at her scars. He wasn't averse to them, and it was as if he'd seen them a hundred times before and kissed each one, chasing away the harrowing flashbacks with each caress of his lips.

"I missed you." He said, stepping inside her apartment and taking off his boots. "Can you tell me why you're avoiding me?" He then asked boldly, setting down the cat to draw Natalia into his arms. His hands brushed along the arch of her lower back, and she melted into his touch, even though it was the last thing she wanted to do. It was instinctive, however. Something that was as easy as breathing. Her eyelashes fluttered as his soft lips kissed her forehead, and she closed her eyes. 

"There's a lot you don't know about me, Rogers... I have a lot of baggage for a language instructor." She murmured under her breath as her hands slid up his broad chest. She could feel his heart beating under her hand, the sound that had kept her grounded for over three months. Her throat tightened as she thought about the best way to kill him, making conflicting emotions whirl through her mind. She decided then that she would use a gun... putting a bullet right through his heart that would kill him instantly. _Painlessly_. Tears blurred the edges of her vision, and she nuzzled her face into his neck, inhaling the aroma of his aftershave. The pain that tore her heart apart was excruciating, but she willed herself not to cry.

_Black Widows didn't cry, and they weren't supposed to fail._

They weren't supposed to love either.

He held her tightly and not like a piece of glass that would shatter. She wasn't breakable, no. She was already broken. "You don't have to tell me your story, but I want you to know that you're beautiful. Every inch of you is stunning." He told her as he tried to implore her to see herself the way that he saw her. He had pretended that he hadn't seen her scars, but he had evidently perceived them.

"Scars are imperfections." She said with a shake of her head, recalling Madame B.'s words. "Marks that never really disappear because they are _that_ ugly."

She didn't know what she was doing. This was uncharted territory, and it was as if she was omitting her mission, letting Steve see the side of her that no one had before. She was letting him into her heart completely, something she wasn't supposed to do and chancing her mission as she let him into her towering tower. Would it really be so bad if she didn't complete this mission? What if she told Steve to run and simply awaited the Red Room's punishment? His life was worth more than hers, after all, but the survival instinct inside her was too innate.

She was never supposed to fail. 

He pulled back and grasped her hands, leading her into the bathroom in the hallway to stand in front of the mirror. She looked up at him in anarchy, her eyebrows raised as he stood behind her. "You teach me Russian, but I get to show you that ты прекрасна." _[You're beautiful.]_ He murmured, meeting her gaze in the mirror.

_She could kill him now._

It would be so easy... she had a gun in the kitchen drawer, and he was wrapped tightly around her finger. She could say that she was getting something from the kitchen and then do as exactly as the Red Room had trained her to do. However, the Red Room had never prepared them for killing their lover, and it wasn't _easy_ for Natalia; Steve wasn't just another mark. 

Her thoughts were swiftly omitted as he kissed the scar on her collarbone that he had painted on the rooftop many nights ago. "What's something beautiful about you?" He asked, his hands resting on the curve of her hips as he sponged dotting kisses along her jawline.

His words were jarring, swiftly dragging her down to reality even as a delicious shiver went up her spine. "What? No, this is stupid." She laughed bitterly, shaking her head and twisting out of his arms. There was nothing beautiful about her and no one, not even Steve, could make her see that.

"It's not stupid." Steve implored, gently tugging her back to him. His front pressed against her back as he dropped his head onto her shoulder. "I don't hear your _real_ laugh a lot, but it's my favorite sound in the world." He paused, awaiting her response, but she was unyielding.

This was _stupid_. He didn't understand her perspective and even if she wanted to partake in the ploy with him, she couldn't think of a damn thing that was beautiful about herself.

"The first thing I noticed about you was your eyes. You were so angry at me, but they still caught my attention." He told her, lifting his head to kiss the corner of her lips. 

She inhaled sharply, closing her eyes when warmth pooled into her core as she remembered meeting him. She longed to turn her head and kiss him, but he moved back to press his lips to the back of her neck. " _Mhm_ , Steve..." She hummed, arching into him.

_She could seduce him, finally having her away with him and then as he slept, she could kill him._

No... she wanted to look him in the eyes as she ended his life.

"I love each one of your scars, Nat. How many do you have?" He murmured, his hands slipping under his sweatshirt that hung off her frame. He found each raised imperfection effortlessly, like he already had them memorized - as if he knew her body that he had yet to see nude.

She shrugged, her legs trembling underneath her as he seemed to count the scars he could feel. "Too many." She whispered in response. Too many marks... too many missions... too many kills.

"No... so many stories you can tell me that make you the woman I love." He said, his large hands splaying across her abdomen as he shifted behind her and kissed the pounding pulse below her jaw.

_Love._

Her world tilted on its' axis as her head spun. Her mission was properly complete! He was in love with her, and she knew all his deepest, darkest secrets.

Only she was in love with him too.

"Steve." She practically whimpered, tilting her head back against his broad shoulder as he held her. _Please runaway. Take Liho and run._

"I love everything about you, and I love you, Natalia." He told her with utmost faith.   
  
She loved him too...   


_ Fuck the mission!  _

She abruptly turned around in his arms, cupping his handsome face in her hands and kissing him deeply. She tried to pour her ardor for him into each brush of her lips against his and each caress of their tongues. It was something skin to desperation as she jumped up and wrapped her legs around his waist before he carried her into her bedroom. He repeatedly whispered that he loved her, that he would never leave her and that they were meant to be together.

She believed him although, she knew she was lying to herself, but he showed her that even in this lifetime, she could love him too.


	8. My Life Or Yours

_This_ is what Natalia lived for, to be so allured by Steve that she omitted _everything._ With each brush of his lips against hers, each caress of his hands on her body, she was finally able to forget the trauma of her past and the uncertainty of her future. _A future without the man she loved._ He carried her to the bedroom and laid her on the bed like they had all the time in the world, delicious shivers running up her spine as goosebumps ghosted across her skin, and his large hands brushed up her curves as he leaned over her.

"You are so beautiful, my love." He whispered as he laid over her, holding himself up on his elbows as she hooked her toned legs around his waist.

The potent muscles in his arms rolled as she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down to her. She brushed her nose against his in an adoring gesture as the words she so desperately wanted to say were on the tip of her tongue once again. This time, she wasn't going to hold them back. "I want you to show me exactly how beautiful I am because I love you, Steve. I love you more than I thought I could love anyone." She said, arching her hips into his. She could feel his thick length through his jeans, and she exhaled a pleasurable sigh as his cock rubbed against her core.

He moaned huskily under his breath as he heard her declaration, and his hands slipped under the sweatshirt she wore, his fingertips brushing against the swell of her breasts. "Can I take this off?" He murmured.

She nodded eagerly and as he pulled away, she grasped the hem of his own shirt and tugged it off. Her body hummed in his presence as her emerald eyes looked him over zealously, and he smiled down at her as he slid the sweatshirt off. "Nat..." He groaned, leaning down and pressing his face to her breasts.

His tongue traced each scar across her chest, and his fingers teased her nipples, making her arch into his touch that sent delicious shivers up her spine. " _Mhm_ yes, Steve. I'm yours." She moaned as heat pooled into her core. He had lit the amorous ember inside her, and the flames were spreading like wildfire, making her twist and arch underneath him as his tongue brushed over her nipples and his fingers caressed her inner thighs. _God,_ she needed him. He knew every spot that made her moan, exactly where he should kiss and caress, every word he should whisper in her ear. He was such a _fucking_ tease, and he knew her body like they had been lovers for a lifetime. "I need you inside me." She groaned, her core clenching and fluttering as he nipped at her pounding pulse, his finger pinching her nipple.

"Not yet... patience, my love." He said with a shake his head, a soft chuckle rumbling in his chest. His hand slid down her body and his fingers slipped under the hem of her leggings. She pressed closer to him, urging him on as his fingers brushed through her folds. "You're so wet." He hummed.

"Because you're teasing me." She groaned, throwing her head back against the pillow. In the past, sex had never been about pleasure, and she had never wanted to use the skills the Red Room had taught her. However, this wasn't sex. She wasn't fucking him to appease the Red Room, and Steve wasn't another mark in her file. _No_. They were making love, and he was wholeheartedly hers just as she was his. She longed to make Steve scream her name, to pleasure him until all he could think about was her and how good she made him feel. He was determined to do the same and for once, she was going to let a man pleasure her.

He slowly thrust a single digit inside her core, rubbing her tight walls. She moaned, heavenly pleasure rolling up her spine and making her toes curl in the bedsheets as he curled his finger inside her. "If your dick isn't inside me in one minute, I'm going to handcuff you to the headboard and have my way with you." She gasped as he added a second finger and stretched her tight walls that clamped around him.

He laughed, evidently not taking her threat seriously. She suddenly sat up, hooking her leg around his thigh and rolling him onto his back. It was a move that made him gasp in surprise, his dilated, azure eyes staring up at her as she grasped his hands and pinned them above his head. It was something a mere language instructor shouldn't know - a technical move that no one should have to know - but she did and was going to use it to her advantage.

"There will be plenty of time for fore play." She smirked. "But now is not the time, so keep your hands above your head, мой Стив." _[my Steve.]_

She slid off him and onto the floor, her eyes locked on his as she pushed down her leggings. He was an exquisite sight as he laid on the bed waiting _for her._

"Natalia, you are the most beautiful woman. I am just the luckiest man in the world." He breathed, his fists clenching above his head as he still heeded her orders like the good solider he was even though he was dying to touch her.

She rolled her eyes as she slid over him, swiftly unbuckling his belt and yanking off his jeans. "I am definitely the luckiest girl in the world." She murmured, brazenly admiring every inch of the extraordinary man in front of her. His body and his cock was like a work of art, every swell and valley sculpted to perfection as his thick, hard cock dripped pre-cum onto his stomach. Her mouth watered as she thought about tasting him, swallowing everything he gave her and savoring every drop. _But that had to wait._ Right now, she needed him inside her.

As she straddled his hips, his arms came around her lower back, but she let him move. She let his hands caress her hips as she positioned him below her. "I love you, Steve." She moaned as she moved down onto him, his cock stretching her deliciously. Already, she could feel the flames of orgasm, making her clench around him.

"I love you too, Nat." He gasped, tangling his fingers in her cascading hair and pulling her down to press his lips to hers in a passionate kiss.

She slowly rolled her hips with his, his tongue brushing against hers and his hands caressing her body. His cock struck every nerve ending inside her and every time she came down on him, she moaned. _He was heaven._ There was no one else for her, and she was made for him. Nothing mattered in her world but Steve and that precious moment between them. She pulled back from the kiss to bite her lip, swallowing every sound that tightened in her throat. She could hardly hold herself back as she was taken by mind blowing pleasure with every deep thrust. It wasn't just his cock, but their intimate connection and potent love for one another that was sure to devastate Natalia. It was everything about Steve and what she felt for him.

"Let me hear you, sweetheart. Don't hold back." He moaned. One of his hands grasped her waist and the other came around the back of her neck, holding her in place as he thrust his hips up.

She cried out, grasping the headboard to hold herself up as her legs trembled and her hands shook. She let him take control, and she didn't hold back as she perceived the thrill he had every time he heard her. Each cry and shout she released made him groan, his eyes darkening and his face morphing with pleasure as he thrust his hips up, hitting a particular spot inside her that made her jolt. " _Oh_ , Steve... Steve!" She cried, squeezing her eyes shut as her orgasm consumed her entirely. She threw her head back and _screamed_ his name, her tight walls massaging his cock inside her as she came around him, her body shaking and twisting above him. She brought him over the edge as well, his rhythm dissipating as he held himself inside her, filling her with his cum as he cried her name over and over again like he was having his own religious experience.

Neither one of them moved as they came down from their high, quivering and moaning lowly with each desperate breath Steve gasped for. He eventually moved Natalia so she was lying on his chest, his hands brushing through her hair and massaging her back. She came back down to earth, and her head finally stopped spinning as the pleasure dissipated through her body. As her mind cleared, she realized what she had to do, and reality was staring at her blankly in the eyes. She was compromised - _too compromised_ \- and it was time to end her mission one way or another. The Red Room would never let her have a life with Steve, and she would never be free from their dominating reign. "I'll be right back, Steve." She said thickly, her eyelashes dotting with tears as he let her go. 

She slid off him and tugged on his sweatshirt that she had been wearing before walking into the kitchen. She didn't stop herself - _she couldn't -_ as she opened the kitchen drawer and pulled out the gun she had almost killed herself with. She hid it behind her back as she stepped into the bedroom doorway, and he smiled adoringly at her, taking her breath way just like he had the very first time she saw him. 

He watched her with his beautiful azure eyes as she laid a handgun on the bed in front of him before she sat back down, looking at him unwaveringly. She couldn't even conjuncture what he was thinking as her eyes met his glassy ones that brimmed with tears. He had now realized that she had been lying to him their entire relationship - the only thing she hadn't lied about was the fact that she loved him. She loved him so much that she was austere about dying for him. "Steve, I need you to kill me." She said, shattering the thick silence between them. "I'm a Red Room assassin, and I was given a mission from the KGB to kill you, but I... I can't do it. It's either my life or yours, and I need you to take mine."

He stared at her as if he'd lost her already, as if all the joy in the world had dissipated, and he was left alone in the darkness. He didn't say anything as he looked back and forth between Natalia and the gun. She reached out and picked it up for him, presuming he was aghast over the turn of events.

Tears arched down his cheeks as she held the gun to her pounding heart, taking his hand in her own. She forced his finger over the trigger, meeting his eyes as they stared at one another. "It's easy, Steve. I betrayed you. Just pull the trigger." She implored him calmly as his hand shook underneath hers. She wasn't afraid of dying. She had never been and many times, she had embraced the thought of it, even if she was destined to spend eternity in hell. She had no purpose in life, and she didn't want to live in a world where Captain America was dead because of her.

"Please, pull the trigger." She whispered.

_Please. Please. Please._


	9. His Lifeline

"Please, Steve. Please kill me." Natalia pleased over and over again, sobs rising into her throat and tears stinging her eyes. She didn't want to leave him; she longed for a lifetime with the man she so desperately loved, but she couldn't bare the thought of putting him in danger. She was drawn to it like a moth to a flame, surrounding and engulfing her entirely. Steve was too perfect to be tainted by the red that gushed from her ledger. _Too angelic._ He would be safe without her and while the Red Room investigated her death, he would be able to leave Russia undetected. He just stared at her with his eyes blown wide, seemingly too scared to move as she held his finger over the trigger of the gun. She wanted to scream at him, to tell him that she _deserved_ to die although, not really like this. She should suffer, should feel the pain she'd inflicted on so many innocent people. This was the easy way out, but death was the only option. 

_It was his life or hers, and it wasn't going to be his!_

She couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't stare into his broken azure eyes that had once gazed at her so lovingly, that had regarded her with such adoration only moments ago as they made love.

She squeezed her finger over his to pull the trigger herself.

However before Natalia could press down all the way, Steve abruptly jerked the gun away from her chest and threw it down on the bed. He then grasped her arms, pulling her against him and holding her tightly. "I know who you are. I've known, baby. I know everything." He said thickly as he held back tears of his own. 

She began to cry, overcome with affliction as she clung onto his broad shoulders with shaking hands, sobs wrecking her shoulders and salty tears streaming down her face. "Th-that's impossible." She shook her head, not believing him in the slightest. How could he have known? If he really had been aware of her mission, then why had he stayed? Why hadn't he killed her, maybe even brought her back to America to be incarcerated? She knew he was in love with her... _she knew._ Love was powerful, but surely it wasn't potent enough to influence Captain America and dissipate his need for justice.

"It sounds crazy but I went back in time... we were married in 2021, but you died and I just couldn't live without you." Steve said, sounding entirely delirious.

She began to pull back from him, swiftly composing herself as she listened to his ludicrous explanation. However, he simply drew her back to his chest, holding her as if he was the one who needed her - as if she was his lifeline.

"I know how it sounds. Believe me, I do. Just... hold on." He said, suddenly pulling back from her and grabbing his jeans on the floor. He dug through the pockets and pulled out a compass, handing it to her. "Open it." He told her, a tear running down his cheek.

She looked at the compass and then back at the man she loved more than anything she had ever loved before. He nodded at her encouragingly, and she sighed, flicking open the compass. Tucked inside was a photograph, a colored photograph of her and Steve. She wore a stunning, white dress, and he was in a black tux as they smiled at the camera with their arms around one another, looking like the two happiest people in the world. "That was our wedding day. I'm being serious, Natalia. Although, you went by Natasha then. You were an incredible person then and are now. You sacrificed yourself to save the world... that's how you died. You saved hundreds of millions of people."

_God, she was going to faint._

Seeing the photograph, seeing herself in a wedding dress as Steve's _wife_ , hearing his words that had sounded preposterous... it was all true. 

_Time travel was real._

That really didn't fix the situation, however. It only complicated things and made Natalia feel sick to her stomach. It was like something out of a science fiction movie, something that made her head spin and her knees weak. "No... no. You still don't get it. Even if all this is true, we can't be together in this lifetime, no matter how much I want to be with you. The KGB will kill us, and I can't live with the thought that you could die because of me. You need to go!" She said, throwing his shirt and his jeans at him and flinging the compass into his lap. "You need to leave the country tonight."

She turned away, ignoring him when he called out her name as she rushed into the kitchen. She grabbed her burner phone on the kitchen counter and sent a message to Yelena.

✉️ Приди ко мне и защити Стива. Доставь его в аэропорт и убедись, что он вернется в Америку. _[Come to my place and protect Steve. Get him to the airport, and make sure he gets back to America.]_

Yelena would surely wonder what the hell was going on, but she wouldn't question Natalia. She was her sister... someone she trusted wholeheartedly, and she knew that Yelena would help Steve, even if it went against everything they had been trained to do.

✉️ Хм, хорошо? Баки и я будем там через пять. _[Um, ok? James and I will be there in five.]_

She set down the phone as she heard Steve's footsteps against the wood floors. His arms came around her waist, his lips brushing across her collarbone. "Run away with me, and we'll figure this out together. I'm not leaving without you. I know the terrible things you've had to do to survive in the Red Room, but you don't have to fight like that anymore." Steve murmured.

She shook her head, but she was defenseless against him. She leaned back into his body, feeling his hard-ridged muscles through his thin shirt, his body that had become one with hers. "No. I'm leaving without you, and you're leaving without me." She replied despondently. Running away with him was utterly emanate, but it wasn't possible. She could never have the life she wanted with her love, the children she wanted to have with him, the lazy, Sunday mornings and busy, Monday afternoons. She wanted it all, but she couldn't have any of it. At least, in another lifetime, they had the life she so desperately craved... if only she'd gotten to live it. Now, all Natalia had left was four minutes with Steve - time was truly the greatest thief. "Just promise me one thing?"

"I would promise you forever." He replied softly.

"Promise me that you'll find Liho a good home or even take her with you." Natalia said, her voice breaking at the end of her sentence as she thought about her cat. She wished that she could explain what was going on to her, to tell her why her owner would be gone forever but that everything was going to be okay.

Steve sighed, his breath caressing her skin and making goosebumps ghost across the nape of her neck. "God forbid anything happens that I will have to do that, Nat. I'll take care of the both of you." He told her with utmost conviction.

Natalia didn't reply. She couldn't. How was she supposed to deny the man she was going to give her life for? He had, at least, promised her that he would take care of Liho and that's all she could really ask for.

There was a knock on her front door, and Natalia pulled away from Steve to answer it. Yelena and James quickly rushed into the foyer, both holding handguns with weaponry belts around their waists. "Вы действительно делаете это?" _[You' really going to do this?]_ Yelena said, looking at Natalia with sadness reflecting in her eyes. Her sister already knew what she was going to do. 

She nodded, glancing back at Steve who looked at Yelena and James with wide eyes. "Я должен. Я люблю его." _[I have to. I love him.]_ She whispered, grasping her sister's shoulders. "Я не могу отблагодарить тебя за это." _[I can't thank you enough for this.]_

Yelena drew Natalia in a tight embrace, holding her for a long moment. "Прощай, моя дорогая сестра." [ _Goodbye, my dear sister.]_

Natalia pulled back to smile gratefully at James before she walked up to Steve, looking up at his handsome face for the very last time. He regarded her heedfully but when she cupped his jaw in her hands and kissed him, he relaxed into her touch and kissed her back with just as much love and passion. "I love you, Steven Grant Rogers; I love you so much. Thank you for showing me that I can love, even in this lifetime." Natalia spoke against his lips before she pushed herself away from him and turned around. Her heart shattered as she walked to the door, not looking back even as Steve called out her name, trying to draw her back to him as he realized exactly what was going on. Yelena and James stopped him, holding him back as Natalia grabbed her coat and left. She didn't take anything else with her; she wouldn't be returning.

She pulled her hood over her head as she walked to the place that had been her downfall all this time, the place that had controlled - _ruined_ \- her entire life. The very place that had taken her soul and turned her into a heartless murderer. She wasn't scared, _no_. She knew her fate. Still, tears arched down her cheeks as she thought of Steve, the love she had for him, and how wonderful her life could've been if she wasn't Natalia Romanov.

If only she was _Natasha_.

She walked into the massive edifice, her head cast down as the familiar hallway enveloped her in its darkness, dragging her under so deep that she would never resurface. She found who she was looking for almost instantly, as if the heinous woman _knew_ Natalia would come looking for her.

"Возьми мою жизнь, а не его." _[Take my life, not his.]_ Natalia whispered, looking up into the woman's eyes.

Madame B. smirked and turned to lead Natalia down to the lower level of the Red Room. "Очень хорошо. Вы потерпели неудачу, моя Наталья." _[Very well. You have failed, my Natalia.]_ She said. “Я всегда знал, что ты будешь." _[I always knew you would.]_


	10. Love Even In Her Lifetime

Steve Rogers had thought this was it, that this was the lifetime he would get to have with Natasha - _Natalia_ \- that after all the hardships they'd endured, they could finally run away together and have a life of their own. A life of love and peace, to maybe even have a few children and settle down wherever Natalia had dreamed of living. He had went back in time for her, a redo, a way to save her from the torment of the KGB. He had a second chance no one had ever had before yet he still let her slip through his fingers. He had to watch her walk out the door to her death, held back by Yelena and Bucky, for heavens sake. He had to watch her leave to sacrifice herself for him, just like she'd sacrificed herself for the world! 

He could've told her the truth months ago. _He should've._ He had known about her mission from the beginning (well, the American government had and warned him about it). He had known and should've told her that he was her husband in another lifetime and would love her no matter what decade it was. He should've told her! Sure, she would've been shocked and probably terrified, but they could've worked it out. They could've run away together months ago... Now, he had to fight for her, to not let the timer run out, _to save Natalia._

"We need to help her!" Steve exclaimed once Yelena and Bucky finally released him from their strong, unyielding hold. He longed to explain to them exactly who he was and how he already knew his wife's sister and his best friend, but he didn't have time. He wasn't about to lose Natalia again. It had been agonizing to meet her for the first time all over again and see her eyes glint with apprehension, confusion, and unfamiliarity when all he had wanted to do was hold her in his arms and cry. He had missed her more than anything - they had won the war against Thanos, but he had lost the woman he couldn't live without.

Yelena looked at him despondently, her eyes glassy with unshed tears. "They probably have already killed her and you're next, so we need to get you out of here. I promised her." She said resolutely.

He shook his head in a terse response, grabbing his coat and the keys to the hotel he had been staying at. "We have to try. I'm going to get my shield, you two find a few more people to help us infiltrate the Red Room, and then meet at the side entrance." Steve commanded as if he was giving orders as Captain America. This was bigger than any mission, however. This was his one and only chance to get the woman he loved back. He couldn't fail. _He wouldn't._

"Steve, I'm sorry, but sh-" Bucky began to speak but Steve cut him off.

"We are going to try." He snapped before he swiftly left Natalia's apartment building and rushed back down the block to his hotel room, hoping they wouldn't follow him. He trusted Yelena and Bucky, he really did. He knew they wouldn't betray him. They cared for Natalia even in this lifetime, and they would come through. He didn't doubt that and even if he had an ounce of doubt, he still had to trust them. They were his teammates on a mission that mattered significantly to all of them.

He raced up the staircase to his hotel room and packed all the equipment the American government had given him as protection. He wasn't sure how the time travel worked, but it seemed he had landed in an alternate reality where he was the one and only Captain America, that there wasn't one frozen in ice, and it was as if the world had picked up where it had left off. The whole concept was mind bending but as long as he landed in an alternate reality where he got to love Natalia, he tried not to overthink it. He shoved everything into a backpack and grabbed his shield, tucking it underneath his coat as if that would hide it, before he headed to the Red Room Training Headquarters.

He had a plan. Well, the gist of one. He had taken the time to study the Red Room's layout before he had even flown to Russia, and he knew the torture and death chambers were on the ground floor. The ideal scenario would be for them to infiltrate the section she was being kept in and sneak out undetected. However, he knew he had to be prepared to fight and fortunately, he had enough weapons and ammunition to do just that.

As he approached the massive edifice in the middle of the city, he pulled his hood over his head and walked quickly to the side entrance in a dark, back alleyway that was blocked off with 'Do Not Enter' signs. He saw Yelena and Bucky, along with two other people he didn't recognize, at the end of the street, looking around vigilantly with their guns drawn. He approached them, and Yelena smiled at him nervously as she stepped forward and gestured to the older adults standing behind her. "These were Natalia and I's foster parents, Alla and Igor. They worked for the Red Room but defected. We can trust them." She explained.

Steve smiled cordially at them, wishing he could've met his wife's foster parents under decidedly better circumstances. "большое спасибо." _[Thank you very much.]_ He said, knowing most Russian citizens didn't speak English. He wasn't fluent in Natalia's native language but he could, at least, hold a conversation although, now was not the time for one.

"You're welcome, solider." Alla said, a smirk tugging at the corner of her lips as she spoke English. "Now, what's the plan?"

Steve smiled, relieved he wouldn't have to give orders in Russian. The relief didn't last long however, as the weight of the situation returned to burden his shoulders. "Yelena and Bucky will go into the Red Room and locate Natalia. Then, you two need to come up with an excuse to move her to a different room while slowly bringing her closer to this exit. I'll give you ten minutes and then, we'll come in as backup. Is that clear?"

They all nodded.

"That's actually not a bad plan." Bucky mumbled as he secured his gun to the holster around his waist.

Steve had learned from the best. _Natasha_. She was the one who had taught him everything he knew about tactical fighting and undercover operations. He remembered the days she spent training him, explaining intricate details and techniques he had never learned as a solider. He wasn't a spy. _No_ , he definitely wasn't that good, but he had to be good enough to get in and out of the Red Room, and then out of Russia before the KGB apprehended them. _He had to be good enough._ "I learned from the best." He echoed. "Now, lets go save Natalia." He said, dismissing his team.

Yelena and Bucky headed into the Red Room as Steve, Alla, and Igor ducked into the shadows of the edifice. They were silent as the seconds ticked by on Steve's watch while they listened for the sound of alarms or fighting in the Red Room. All was quiet, however, and time passed ever so slowly. He longed to run blindly into the building and save Natalia, but he would surely get them both killed. He had to think logically, to use his brain and do what his wife would've done if she had to save him.

"So, you' love my little girl?" Igor spoke lowly to Steve, breaking the tense silence between them. His eyes glinted as he played the role of an overprotective father, even though they both knew Natalia could protect herself.

Steve nodded firmly. "More than anything. I'm sorry I didn't stop this, but we will save her, and I _will_ be the man you hoped would love Nat." He said, watching a flicker of emotion cross Igor's face.

"You have my blessing, Steve Rogers. I don't know you, but I can tell you truly love Natalia. After all this is over, you have my blessing to marry her, and please do. I'm getting too old to keep her in check." Igor replied, a soft smile on his lips.

Steve could feel the prick of tears in his eyes, his throat tightening with emotion. _He would._ He would do whatever Natalia wanted, go anywhere she wanted. He lived for her, and he had come back for her because he knew that no matter the lifetime, he would always love her, and she would always love him. It was as easy as breathing although, fate had always been twisted and complicated, never giving them the quiet life they had both longed for. Nonetheless, even if they spent their lives saving the world or running from the KGB, as long as he was with Natalia, he would love every second of it and every being of her. "Thank you." He whispered, wiping away a tear as it arched down his cheek. He quickly regained his composure and glanced down at his watch to see that they had five more minutes until they infiltrated the Red Room as Yelena and Bucky's backup.

Just as the fifth minute ticked away, the door they stood adjacent to opened slowly. Steve, Alla, and Igor braced for combat in the shadows, fear slivering up Steve's spine as he waited for whoever had come from the building to come within his eyesight so he could shoot them. However, when he saw who it was, he lowered his gun and ran forward. 

It was Yelena and Bucky, and Natalia walked beside them.

His heart leapt into his throat as her eyes met his, and she smiled.

_He had to be dreaming._

He had to be dreaming that she was there in front of him - unharmed - her striking, emerald eyes bright with love and glinting with adoration as she rushed up to him, and he wrapped his arms around her tightly, daring even God to try and take her away from him. As reassuring as it was to have her back, the fear hadn't dissipated. He wondered where the Red Room assassins were? Where were the people who wanted them both dead? Why were Yelena, Bucky, and Natalia able to walk out undetected? 

"Turns out there were a few more people on our side than we thought." Bucky said as if he read Steve's mind.

Steve lifted his head from the nape of Natalia's neck, still apprehensive and guarded. "It feels too easy." He mumbled, unclasping his shield from underneath his coat and holding it in front of he and Natalia as if they would be ambushed at any moment.

"Not everyone in there is brain washed. We have more people on our side than we thought." Yelena explained again. "They created a diversion but that doesn't mean we have the time to talk about it, so go!"

"But-" Steve began, shaking his head as he held Natalia protectively.

She tilted her head up to look into his wide eyes, her fingers brushing across the arch of his jaw. "We need to go. I'll explain everything later, okay?" She said imploringly.

He gazed down at her, feeling his fear dissipate as he saw the assurance in the breathtaking eyes in had come to love. "What about you guys?" He asked, lowering his shield and tucking it back underneath his coat. He hadn't thought this far ahead, blinded by his love for Natalia and their mission to save her. However, he couldn't just leave Yelena, Bucky, Igor, and Alla behind. They were traitors who had deflected from the KGB and surely, they would have a bounty on their heads after helping Natalia escape from the Red Room. He didn't know how he would help them and provide them a safe place to live, but he would figure it out just like he'd always done.

"We'll be fine. Run away together, for heavens sake! This is your chance." Alla exclaimed, throwing her arms in the air with exasperation. "We have people who will help us. Natalia will explain once you two are safe."

"Come on, baby. We won't be this lucky next time." Natalia murmured, sharing a look with her family as she stepped away from Steve. "We'll come visit, okay?"

"You better." Yelena smirked. "Maybe Bucky will still be around."

"He better!" Steve quipped, making his friend laugh. _If only Bucky knew exactly what he meant._ "Maybe fate is finally on our side." He said to Natalia as they began to walk away from the Red Room Training Headquarters, leaving behind years of torment and anguish.

"Yeah, I think it is." She smiled, reaching up on the tips of her toes to kiss him before she grasped his hand and together, they ran.

_Well, walked quickly._


End file.
